Writing is like cooking...

When writing, there is a dash of this or a splash of that which we put down on paper but if anyone were to read this journal, they would not understand the emotions that went in to writing each post. I guess I am just I dont know trying to put off really doing this but I need a place to vent. Maybe it will help me understand what it is I am doing wrong.

Its not been a year since I was sent out to find my way in the world. I didn't know the world was so different than I thought it was. I don't remember a time in my life where we stayed more than a few hands and so I could never make any real friends or get to know anyone closer than a few ahn of work a day.

Now don't get me wrong, my parents said they wanted me to get a taste of the world but anytime I started to make friends with the other kids in the kitchen or around a camp, we packed up and moved fast. There was never a reason given or a chance to say good bye and after a year or two of this, I gave up trying. I was jealous of the other kids I saw playing together and I always stayed on the outside. The older I became, the more my parents kept me away from everyone. I was allowed to go work in a kitchen for part of the day to help earn coin but then told I had to stay at our wagon which was always on the outskirts of every city or camp. I would ask to attend events or to go visit one of the inns but was always told no. I was told its not safe for you, your a woman and men could snatch you up and take you away.

Well now I am finding out life is not like my parents told me and it seems in my nieve way of thinking, I have hurt or angered some. I know its my fault and not knowing how to handle things really. I mean, I met a man, his name was Chord and he was nice. I liked him a lot but I got scared because of what my parents told me. I also had never really spent time talking to a man before and so I kind of ran away after I had a dream of him one night. I was embarrassed and confused. I made a big mess of things and now he hates me. Maybe I can send him something as a way to apologize. A feast, a big feast of a meal to make up for the fair meal that I stood him up on. I can't believe I acted the way I did. Sometimes I am just, I dont know stupid. Why did my mother have to tell me that men were bad and would hurt me. Why did she lie to me. What was she trying to hide from me.

Then there is Natalia and Gavin. I don't know them well but I know they were very angry with me when I first arrived. I have tried to make it up to them, what ever it was I did, but its like anytime I walk in a room they are in they leave. I want people to like me but I just keep messing up.

I don't know how to fix this.. I am trying to be more friendly but most people dont undrestand what my life was like. Lothar and Essa have been great as well as Keegan but I cant rely on them all my life. Keegan and Essa are going to have a baby and they will be busy. Lothar and Kate are starting on their own adventure..I don't want to be a third wheel, someone they drag along because they feel sorry for me. I see how happy they are and I want that.

Today Lothar sat down with me and we talked a bit about the ways of men and women. I know I shouldnt have spoken to him but well, my parents didn't tell me much at all. I asked him questions that perhaps my mother should have explained better. I wonder why my parents were so cold and distant as I got older. I felt like they wanted to keep me hidden but they knew that I was asking more questions. Maybe they got mad and sent me off because I was to nosey. I dont know. I am babbling now . But yes there is always a sprinkle of shyness, a pinch of curiousity and a dash of hope in every recipe.